"You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like, a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for, but I'd like to believe, if I ever were to feel it, that I'd have the courage to seize it." - Letters to Juliet
Happy Mother's Day! What a joy to celebrate this Mother's Day weekend - our love crossed oceans to meet Emma, and we are so thankful to be home with our three children.
With all the events that have taken place in the last month, I've been thinking a lot about how adoption and pregnancy are not much different. You see - I can accurately make this statement because we've experienced pregnancy twice and have now added to our family through the process of adoption.
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The Waiting - If you've experienced any fertility issues, you understand how each month the most difficult part is the waiting. Waiting to see if your efforts were successful, did the medication help, was the procedure effective, waiting for the next month to try again. Always waiting. There have been many months of waiting that have occurred in this household - 65 months - almost 5.5 years. That's over 1/3 of our years of marriage - that's right people - our 15th wedding anniversary is just around the corner (May 29). International adoption is no different - we waited 22.5 months since we began our adoption process. Waiting for SBI clearances, home study reports to be drafted, USCIS approvals, documents to be sent to China, and the most dreaded wait - month after month - will we be called this month with a referral?
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The Morning All Day Sickness - In both pregnancies, I experienced some serious all day sickness - nausea and vomiting is no joke - especially to the woman who'd rather eat her arm than vomit. Twenty weeks - yes, 20 weeks - I was 10 shades of green (much different than 50 shades of grey) for most hours of every day for 20 weeks. I endured the one sided conversations from women who "never felt better than when they were pregnant", did not gain one pound until 21 weeks and felt like a garbage disposal installed on the drain in the master shower would have been a great investment as I managed to vomit on my feet while showering for work more times than I'd like to remember. So I thought a perk to growing our family through adoption would be the avoidance of morning sickness. It's funny how things work out - there were a couple weeks in October that I felt physically ill - nauseous all day, losing weight, anxious for what was happening with our family. And it returned again as soon as we began waiting for our Travel Approval until Emma was with us. All the anxiety that goes along with preparing your family of four to travel 8000 miles away for 2.5 weeks to another country to become a family of five. It's entirely possible to travel and dine out daily for every meal for 2.5 weeks and find that you've lost weight upon your return to the USA. That person who said you can't lose weight and eat McDonald's every day was not adopting internationally! Our third child did not arrive in our family without at least a few weeks of all day sickness. :)
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The Secret - I remember the days vividly when we discovered we were expecting Ian and Aidan - pure joy - finally, the long-awaited desire for our family being fulfilled. I think part of the joy was that only Brian and I knew there was new life growing inside my body - it was nice to have our little secret. And we kept our secrets until we were sure there was little chance of complications - or when you are five feet, two inches tall and have a VERY short torso - you wait until you can't hide your growing uterus any longer! We waited until we'd had an ultrasound and heard the precious heartbeats. We knew we'd been granted a special gift from God. And those first few weeks of protecting our secret are sweet memories for me. In adoption, I didn't think we'd have a secret to keep. We've been fairly open about our adoption - we were adopting from China, a younger girl, 0-2 years old, with a minor medical need. There's no mystery - we shared our news almost a year and a half ago in our Christmas card and the start of this blog. Keeping a secret, protecting our hearts, making sure there was little chance of complications - our actions look different in adoption, but it's really the same idea.
It's been special to know who our daughter is, to look at her sweet face, to love her and protect her, to let her be our secret for the same amount of time our boys were secrets growing in my belly. We had about seven weeks of paperwork and waiting once we were introduced (on paper) to our daughter to keep her a secret - on Friday, October 4, 2013 at 12:33pm, the sweet voice of our international social worker was on the phone. "We have a referral we'd like you to review. Can I tell you a little about her? She's 19 months old, she lives in blah-blah province, at so-and-so orphanage, she's just been made available for adoption, her special need is 'growth delay' - she's tiny and adorable." The next 11 minutes felt like an eternity until the email arrived with all the documents and a couple photos. To look into the face of a child and know she was the daughter God intended for our family - every moment of waiting, every heartbreak - it's all worth it. What a difference a day makes.
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The Nesting - Just before Thanksgiving, we began the preparations of changing our guest room into our daughter's room. To see the guest room furniture removed from that room - nearly nine years in our house - always a guest room, and in one afternoon the room became a blank canvas for our newest addition! Until after Christmas, her daybed and trundle were in her room - minus the mattresses - her new girly chandelier sat in a box waiting to be hung. Mimi took a trip to IKEA with me and the boys to purchase bookcases to be installed in her closet. And Papa helped secure the cases and cut and hang the closet rods. I can't rightly say, but there may have been some clothes and shoes and dolls placed in her closet right away. ;)
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The Sleepless Nights - Oh the sleepless nights! With the boys' pregnancies, the sleepless nights were different with each trimester: trimester 1 - nausea and frequent trips to the bathroom, trimester 2 - more frequent trips to the bathroom, trimester 3 - heartburn that makes you vomit in the middle of the night, even more trips to the bathroom (let's face it - I should have set up my bed in the bathroom) and with the ability to grow giants in such a small body it made it nearly impossible to rest comfortably. I remember specifically measuring 40 weeks when Aidan was only 34 weeks gestation - there's no exaggeration when I tell you I grew giant babies! Brian was fairly certain I had an alien growing inside my abdomen - there was no way that belly could house a human baby!
I didn't expect the same sort of sleepless nights during our adoption process - seriously, I was NOT growing a 22 lb two year old inside my body - I should be able to sleep, right? There were many, many sleepless nights - nights of worry and wonder, of hope and despair. The sleepless nights really changed the night before we left for China. I was exhausted trying to pack, finally fell into bed around 11:30pm and went to sleep. ONLY to wake around 1am feeling like it was 6am and we needed to be on our way to the airport! I forced myself to stay in the bed to rest even if I couln't sleep - I knew the next 24 hours of traveling would be brutal. Luckily, Brian was sleeping (or not sleeping) about as well as me. We finally got up around 4am to start our final preparations for our flights. I had the same sleepless night experiences - sleeping only for a couple hours but thinking it had been many hours - for the first portion of our China trip - until Emma joined our family.
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The Labor & Delivery - Although I was never officially in labor with Ian or Aidan, I did endure Braxton-Hicks contractions for about 12 weeks with each of them. Since I grow giant babies, I had scheduled C-sections with both boys.
Ian's C-section was a traumatic experience - we had an appointment scheduled on Friday, October 21, 2005. We arrived, I was prepped and surgery began. I felt lots of pain - not pressure - actual, real pain. It was quickly discovered that the spinal block had not worked perfectly and I could feel the OB cutting open my abdomen and uterus. They hurried to get Ian out so they could give me some additional medication to relieve the pain. Ian's birth was not the experience I'd planned in my mind. I don't remember much of the next four hours as I was in and out of consciousness. But he was perfect - and perfectly large eight days before his due date. Ian Joseph McGinnis was born and weighed 9 lbs. His birth was a painful experience, but worth every moment to share our lives with a fantastic boy! Here's the last photo before I became a mother, Ian's first official photo and our first family photo (don't look too closely - I was drugged up at that point and Brian and I look so very young in that photo)!
Aidan's birth was scheduled very early the morning of Tuesday, October 14, 2008. I was very nervous about this surgery as Ian's C-section had not been ideal. As we discussed the issues of the first delivery with the anesthesiologist, I grew very concerned I'd have the same experience. I was not sure he completely understood the situation as he was a middle-aged Asian man who spoke to us in broken English. His last words to me before the surgery - "You not worry - I take care of you." I was worried. Thankfully he took great care of me and this experience was infinitely better in a surgical sense than Ian's birth experience. I chatted with my OB while she performed the surgery. And a second perfect boy was born and weighed 9 lbs, 5 oz. Aidan Ashe McGinnis was the perfect addition to our family. Here's the last photo before I became a mother again, Aidan's first big cheek photo and our first family of four photo.
Emma's birth story has many missing pieces. She was born on Tuesday, February 28, 2012. We don't know the time, the circumstances or any of her birth statistics. In fact, we will never know any details of her life prior to the orphanage, and we know very little about her life at the orphanage. Our process to bring Emma home is more painful emotionally than physically. Months of waiting, stacks of paperwork, so many unknowns. Our pregnancy was LONG - when we finally met Emma I'd been "paper pregnant" for about 97 weeks - about the gestational length for an elephant! Our labor took place as a family on an extremely long flight from NC to Chicago to China - nearly 8000 miles. The delivery was so painful for all our hearts. And our postpartum experience played out in hotels in Chongqing, Guangzhou and Hong Kong in China for 2 weeks and culminated in another 8000 mile flight to return to the USA. Emma's story is different, but I would not change a single moment. I'm her mother and she's my daughter - we had an instant connection - just like the connection I felt with Ian and Aidan. God is really amazing. Here's the last photo before I became Emma's mother, our last family of four photo and our first McGinnis Party of Five photo.
So on this day before Mother's Day 2014, I want to celebrate Emma's birth mother and orphanage nannies.
Our sweet baby girl entered this world in less than ideal circumstances - we know this because one month, 4 weeks, just 29 days after she entered this world she was abandoned. As a mother, I can't imagine the anguish Emma's birth mother felt as she carried Emma during pregnancy, cared for her each day and had to make the decision to abandon her. Wow - what a sacrifice she made for Emma's well-being. It's our understanding that most children have been abandoned not because they are unloved - just the opposite is true - but because their biological parents can't care for them and certainly can't afford to provide extensive medical care if they should need it. We will always remember Emma's birthmother - we will celebrate the life she gave Emma - especially when she lived in a culture that has no hesitation about having abortions for unwanted or unplanned pregnancies. She chose life for our child - and we couldn't be more thankful. Each year on Emma's birthday we will pray that her birthmother has peace in her heart to know that her daughter is now our daughter - and that she will be loved and protected forever.
We saw the spot where she was found on that day in late March - God protected her from the hustle and bustle of the city traffic of more than 32 million people and He allowed someone to find her and bring her to safety. She was cared for by the orphanage nannies in our absence for more than two years. Her special nanny was the nearest person to a mother that Emma knew before we met. I'm so thankful for the bond she had with Emma - it's made our transition so much easier.
I saw this passage just a few weeks before we traveled to China - there are so many truths in it - Emma's a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend. She is loved more than she can comprehend.
"There is a little girl on the other side of the world waiting in an orphanage. She has never had a bed or clothes of her own. She knows nothing of American affluence or Jesus or ballet or swimming pools. No one woke her up on her birthday with special pancakes or celebrated her with smiles illuminated by flickering candles. To be honest, no one is really quite sure when her birthday was. She doesn't know it yet, but there is a family across the planet who is making a way for her. It is going to cost them all they have, but all they know is God has somehow made room in their hearts, their home, and their family just for her. A forgotten little orphan will become a daughter, sister, cousin, and friend over night. For the first time, she will begin to see what it means to be a child of the One True God. And that family will know a peace and joy that no money can buy." unknown author
